My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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