Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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