Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Come share oat with me in your robe
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
