She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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