i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
