I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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