Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
