it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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