Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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