I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
