wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
