I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
