so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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