The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
