Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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