I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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