btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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