I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
