She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
