remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
