I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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