if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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