i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
