I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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