Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize