Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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