he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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