I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize