At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
