Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
