So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
