I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
