if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
