they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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