i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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