I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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