She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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