if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
