I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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