Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
