Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
