My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
