a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
