Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
