So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
