She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
