Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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