if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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