You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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