Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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