Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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