so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
