So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
