I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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